How the hell did I learn to love myself?

long time no see!

I’ve wanted to write this blog post for so long. So I’m here to talk about something besides makeup and fashion for once in my life.  One of the hardest things in life and one of the most popular subjects is self-love. I’ve been posting a lot of things on my Instagram about not caring what others might think and by being yourself and It’s been actually inspiring people which have been making me feel over the moon! I never dreamed of being able to make people feel inspired to love themselves. It sounds crazy to think that someone like me who was so self-conscious throughout high school would be getting messages from high school friends and new followers about how I’ve inspired them to feel good in their skin. This post shows some tips on how I learned to appreciate the person I am, and help me improve myself to be the person I want to be (and who i know I can be).

In high school I felt everything start to change. Besides the regular hormones, pressure, and puberty I just got really sad. I started to see the world differently, I wanted to know why boys got weird and distant when someone would tell them I liked them, why I would get stares for wearing leggings and shorts. Then it hit me, OHHH RIGHT! IM FAT! , I am this obese disgusting blob that people are not into. It was like this quick shift in the way I thought about my self and it just destroyed me…. I know I wasn’t the only girl on this planet who felt like this, but I did feel completely alone. I would go home and cry and cry about why I had to be fat, why me?!?! why couldn’t I be built perfect and thin like my friends and have boys take interest in me and why couldn’t I have perfect skin. After I got more down on myself my esteem was shot, I thought I was a waste of space or more likely “took up too much space”. I felt like I was a burden in peoples lives and that they shouldn’t have to look at me. Constantly saying sorry for no reason, almost as if I was apologizing for my existence.

that’s the sad part about society if you didn’t fit in this perfect mold or you were different from something you saw on a movie, tv show or in a magazine you felt like an outsider. I know today the way I felt in high school was over my own insecurities, and even if people did think those things SO WHAT? peoples opinions seriously don’t matter. AT ALL. 

Some people reading might be shocked about how I felt about myself but its true, I hated myself more than anyone. As much as I could go on and on about the past, I’m here to talk about the now, which is how I learned to love myself. Id like to say I drank a magical potion, and instantly saw myself in a new light but it took some effort and determination. First off, I was at my lowest when I wanted to stop thinking so negatively. I was so sick and tired of feeling insecure and down on myself and being upset and depressed. In high school, I was seeing a counselor about my anxiety so she had a helping hand in my self-discovery of positive thinking.  She honestly taught me how I wasn’t alone in the world, and how so many others suffer from the same things as me at this age. Which is where I wanna say, seeking help higher then friends and family is honestly okay, I know for me it was because I didn’t want to burden anyone with my problems. Having someone who knows what they’re doing and there to just listen  is a tool you shouldn’t let go to waste. (ask your doctor or local nurse about in office counselors if you feel like you need someone to talk, don’t be shy. :)).

After high school and my sessions with my counselor were over, I had a little more confidence in myself just from getting to talk through all my worries and self-doubt. Which leads me to my first part-time job. I shopped At Additionelle for awhile, but I didn’t know much about the company until I got hired as a part-time employee. I really came out of my shell there, I was talking with customers and workers daily and stepping away from shy to social and I got to really display my love of fashion and it felt amazing. I was completely surrounded By positive, plus-sized women for the first time in my life and that’s when I started to see myself differently.  surrounding yourself with positive people who make you feel good about yourself and really like you for you will boost you up and just let you see things differently, a more positive difference. I never really thought about fashion democracy until I worked there and I can honestly say its the most wonderful look into self-love and see that beauty comes in all sizes.

learning to love yourself doesn’t mean you never have a bad day or never hate your body, it just means the bad days don’t reflect your mood forever and you know brighter skies are coming. There are still days I get upset with my body, but instead of it effecting me for a long time, it effects me for an hour and I am able to snap out of that funk and focus on the positive. Loving yourself gives you a powerful confidence nothing else can. For example, one day at school I had someone recreate the episode of family guy where Stewie walked behind a plus size man with a tuba and persisted to give him a theme song as he waddled. As I walked into a student study area someone made that same music to me and honestly years ago that would of broke me but I stood up for myself and made a stare so sharp he stopped and never did it since. Some people make fun over their own problems and no it’s not okay, but you know your worth and you stop giving a fuck what other people think. It is the most glorious feeling in the world. You let go of shitty friends, focus on your happiness, your dreams and your friends and family become the things you live for and it’s amazing.

I know this blog post really circles in a lot about weight because of that fact that I am plus size, but this information is useful in many ways, not everyone is self-conscious about their weight, it could be something a lot more serious or something minor that causes you to not feel like your good enough. this is going to sound so lame but we all matter, oh my god do we all matter. I have a quote on my ‘about me’ page at work that says: “I just want to be the person that makes everyone feel like a someone”. and I hope this post leaves you with something, even if its eye-rolling frustration because you can’t even handle another woman talking about body-positivity. Everyone has a right to feel amazing about themselves as if their walking down their first Givenchy show and there’s an endless chipotle bar at the after party (Yaaaaaaaaas gurl) (or whatever makes you smile, lol)

Marki xx